Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Beach House on the Moon

With all of this talk about the moon and space travel, I thought I’d post a portion of one of my older columns. In general I disprove of anything that I haven’t written in the last year or so. Usually, before I’d post old writing it would be reworked. Today, I’m lazy. Plus, this piece was very time-dependent and is now somewhat outdated. Most people, including the President, pretend that this particular press conference never happened. It was a major flop. There is also a reference to Lance Bass going to space. He didn’t.

Note: I wasn’t actually at the press conference. I was in my recliner eating cold pizza watching the Simpsons.

Without further ado, a portion of the unedited version of...


“Using the crew exploration vehicle, we will undertake extended human missions to the moon as early as 2015, with the goal of living and working there for increasingly extended periods of time.”

Whoa! Stop the presses. Excuse me Mr. President, but I was never informed of such plans. Mars…fine, let’s go for it, but the moon?? ? No one asked me for permission.
Who am I? I just happen to be an owner of the moon, who appreciates to be kept in the know when decisions are made involving my property.

This year for Christmas, my brother purchased me an acre of land on the moon for the bargain price of $35.00. The one-acre of land represents the largest thing that I own. Area G11, Quadrant Alpha, Lot Number 6/1190 located 001 squares south and 006 squares east of the extreme or 6-10 degrees north and 20-24 degrees east, is harmoniously located on the northwest portion of the Sea of Tranquility, near the Crater of Argo.

Slices of the big cheese can be purchased from the self-proclaimed “Head Cheese,” Dennis Hope. In 1980, Hope found a loophole in a UN treaty that prevented governments from owning extraterrestrial property, but failed to ban ownership by individuals and corporations. Hope laid claim to the surface of the moon and the eight other planets, forming the Lunar Embassy ( - one-stop shopping for your extraterrestrial real estate needs.

Mr. President, as an owner of the moon, I hope that you plan to treat it with the respect with which we have treated our own planet. What are your plans for the moon?

“…the moon is home to abundant resources. Its soil contains raw materials that might be harvested and processed into rocket fuel or breathable air.”

Hold on a second sir…Maybe you were unaware of this, but I also am an owner of the mineral rights from the surface of my one-acre to a depth of three kilometers inclusively. I believe that I should be consulted or compensated for property being dug-up, thrown into a rocket, and burnt away. Maybe if I were to accompany the mission…

“Eugene Cernan, who is with us today, the last man to set foot on the lunar surface, said this as he left: ‘We leave as we came and, God willing, as we shall return, with peace, and hope for all mankind.’ “America will make those words come true.”

Mr. President, please, I do not appreciate being interrupted. If there is no place for me in your plans, or respect of my ownership, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands. I love to travel to far off places and a trip to the moon has always been on my list of things to do; I am not beyond seeking the aide of the Russians. They have similar plans in the works and hope to revisit the moon by 2014, a year sooner than NASA. Sir I must remind you that the Russian’s can be bought. In 2015 when you visit the moon and Man Band member/Astronaut, Lance Bass, steps onto the Lunar surface, do not be surprised to see a sign driven into the ground: ‘Private Property. No Trespassing: Any violators will be prosecuted!’

“The vision I outline today is a journey, not a race.”

I respect that sir, I really do. But, please respect my rights as well. In the future I hope to develop an environmentally friendly get-away for the earthbound on my one-acre. Beachfront on the Sea of Tranquility guarantees to be an ideal location for a dive resort. Customers will have lunar diving a few “small steps for man” away from the front door of the Beach House. There is no atmosphere, promising that customers will return home with the tan of their life. What do you think?

“Let us continue the journey. May God bless.”

I’ll pencil you and Laura in for the grand opening. It’ll be great; I’ve booked Jimmy Buffett.

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