All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I’m a simple man and there is not much I require for Christmas this year. But if you can find it in your heart to gift me with the following, I’ll believe in you always (note: some of these things may not be very Santa-like and somewhat illegal, but you’re above the law doggonit. You make reindeer fly; the law can’t touch you.)

I would like a knee defender for Christmas so I can avoid encounters like the one I had with the wart-ridden diamond banshee on my flight to St. Thomas. According to their website the knee defender will “help me defend the space I need when confronted by a faceless, determined seat recliner who doesn't care how long my legs are or about anything else that might be "back there".”

Instead of coal this year, would it be possible for you to leave a lump of steaming crap in the wart-ridden diamond banshee’s stocking?

Also, if the wart-ridden diamond banshee happens to be stepping out to her shed where she keeps the souls of children that she feasts upon and you happen to be passing-by, could you have Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donder, Blitzen, Cupid and Comet trample her into itty-bitty bits?

Thanks,

Kelsey

PS - I’ve been very good this year.